Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Zelda Style!
by meltina
Summary: The title explains it all. "Come on down, let's have some fun." ;)
1. Episode 1

**Whose Line Is It Anyway?**

**Zelda Style!**

Obligatory Disclaimer: Alright, it's pretty obvious that I do not own _Whose Line Is It Anyway?_ Or _Zelda_. No money was made off of this. This is strictly fan fiction.

**Author's Comments: **Just like the show it was inspired by, that's all I can really say. I rated it PG-13 to be safe. Nothing here was aimed to offend anyone purposefully, however, I will apologize in advance for those that may be. Of course, OOC is evident but this is strictly humor guys. ;)

***

**Nabooru**: Welcome to _Whose Line Is it Anyway?_ ! On tonight's show we have: **Link**, the Hero of Time Magazine! **Zelda**, the Princess of Destiny's Child! The Artist formerly known as Prince of Darkness, **Ganondorf Dragmire**! And **Malon**, the true caretaker of Lon Lon Ranch Dressing, Fat Free! Hey, I'm your host **Nabooru**. Come on down, let's have some fun!

**Audience**: (consisting of a mix of members from all races of Hyrule, cheer and clap as Nabooru makes her way down to her seat near the contestants as the title screen flashes; when it's all over, they quiet down)

**Nabooru**: (holding her cards) Oh, hello! Thank you very much! Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter, just like the second person you ever sleep with.

**Audience**: (laugh, laugh)

**Nabooru**: But anyway… Let's get things started! (reads her cards) Alright, our first game is called _Remote Control_, and this is for all of the contestants! Before we start, let's get a suggestion of an animal from the audience!

**Audience**: (yell out their suggestions) Dodongo! Cow! Fish! Horse! Cuckoo! Skulltulla!

**Nabooru**: Hm. Cuckoo. Let's go with that. (scribbles some things on her card with a pencil) So this is what's going to happen: I'm going to pretend I am watching television. And the performers are going to be a channel or television program. Link, you are the Jerry Springer Show. Ganondorf, you are Dragonball---any version you want. Zelda, you are going to be a TV Evangelist. And Malon, you're the Game Show Network. All of you are going to be talking about the same thing: Cuckoos! So, take it away Ganondorf!

**Ganondorf**: (steps up after thinking about his skit; he assumes a 'charging stance') KAME….HAME….HA!!!!!!! (pretends to lay an egg and catches it; then he throws the imaginary egg to his equally imaginary opponent in the distance like a ball of energy)

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Link.

**Link**: (pretends he is sitting on a guest's chair and glares at an imaginary guest at his side) So you think it's okay to go out there and get _laid_, is that what you're saying!?!? (somehow, someway, he simulates the obligatory Jerry Springer Show fight scene, complete with clucks and beeps in the places of curses)

**Audience and Other Contestants**: (laugh!!)

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Zelda!

**Zelda**: (pretends to be holding a Cuckoo as she assumes a drawl that can only be linked to that of a real Tele-evangelist's) Now listen here Cuckoo, this is a Cuckoo stricken from being able to fly. I am going to heal you, Cuckoo, and you are going to be able to fly! But you have to fly by faith, child. (she smiles and taps the Cuckoo on the forehead; then she simulates a Cuckoo, as best she can, closing its eyes and falling backwards as if it were healed)

**Nabooru**: (laughs!) Hah! (BUZZ!) Malon.

**Malon**: (pretends to be reading a card held in her hand) Oh I'm sorry… You didn't answer that in the _cluck_ of a question.

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Zelda.

**Zelda**: Open your books to Cuckoomiah, chapter two, verse three… "And the Lord said to the Cuckoos of Israel… 'Thou hast be_fowl_ed the earth'…"

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Link!

**Link**: (speaks with a lisp and snaps his fingers in a line) Jerry! I've been _plucking_ that Cuckoo for two years! And my wife didn't even know about it!

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Malon!

**Malon**: (pretends to spin a giant wheel) Wheel! Of! Poultry!

**Nabooru**: (giggles!) Cute! (BUZZ!) Ganondorf!

**Ganondorf**: (feminine voice) Oh no! Majin Cuckoo has destroyed the earth! (male voice) Have no fear! I'll wish everything back with Cuckoo Balls! ….Again!

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Link!

**Link**: And now, for my final thoughts… (begins to cluck like a Cuckoo)

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Malon!

**Malon**: Oh I'm sorry… The answer was Cluck Gobble. Cluck Gobble, Gone with Farore's Wind. Ms. Pheasant, you're still in control of the board…

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Zelda!

**Zelda**: (pretends to cry) Please, send your money now! Help---

**Nabooru**: …! HAHA! (BUZZ!)

**Zelda**: (continues on)---these poor Cuckoos! I need---I mean, _they_ need---

**Nabooru**: (still laughing) … (BUZZ!) 

**Zelda**: --your financial support! Call the number on your screen! And may the Lord bless you!

**Audience**: (cheers!!)

**Nabooru**: (wipes away a tear after she recovers from her fits of laughter) Oh, you guys are great…

**Ganondorf**: You should see me in bed! (wiggles his eyebrows)

**Nabooru**: …No I shouldn't.

**Ganondorf**: Not what you said last night…

**Link**: (feigns mock surprise and hurt) Ganondorf Marie Dragmire! How could you!?

**Malon**: (also feigns the same look as Link as she looks to Nabooru) Nabooru! Is that true!? But what about the times we had in Termina…!?

**Zelda**: (to Malon) You hussy! She's mine!!!

**Audience**: (laughs!)

**Nabooru**: (few seconds away from bursting into laughter) That wasn't a segment of the show!

**Contestants**: (stop their joke and grin) We know.

**Nabooru**: Continuing on… (reads her cards) Next game is _Questions Only_. And it's for all of the contestants. As you know, you can only speak in questions. And if you screw up, I'll lock you in a room with Mido.

**Link**: (looks horrified)

**Nabooru**: (smirk) Ju~st kidding.

**Link**: (relieved)

**Nabooru**: (snicker) If you mess up, I'll buzz you in. Winner of this gets an all expense paid trip to the Kiki Monkey**[1]** Crap shop---in other words, it doesn't matter who wins. The scene is Camping in the Lost Woods. Let's start off with Ganondorf and Malon.

**Ganondorf**: (sits and pretends he is starting a fire by rubbing two sticks together)

**Malon**: What are you doing?

**Ganondorf**: What does it look like I am doing?

**Malon**: Is that a fire I see?

**Ganondorf**: No sh---(hears the BUZZ and steps back, being replaced by Zelda)

**Zelda**: Did you get it yet?

**Malon**: Get what?

**Zelda**: Didn't I ask you to get the Deku Stick?

**Malon**: You didn'---(laughs and is BUZZED in)

**Link**: (steps up to replace Malon) Did someone call for Deku Sticks?

**Zelda**: Do you have a Deku Stick?

**Link**: Sure do! Right in my pants!

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) LINK!!! (laughs!)

**Ganondorf**: (replaces Link; and speaks with a lisp) Can someone PLEASE start this INFERNO?

**Zelda**: Are you gay?

**Ganondorf**: (hand on his hip) And if I am?

**Zelda**: …! (starts laughing and is replaced by Link after the BUZZ)

**Ganondorf**: (pretends to look at Link with great interest) And who are you?

**Link**: Are you gay?

**Ganondorf**: Do you want me to be?

**Link**: What if I said yes?

**Ganondorf**: Then I… crap. (after the BUZZ, he laughs and is replaced by Malon)

**Malon**: (steps up to the "camp scene" and pretends to look for something)

**Link**: What are you looking for?

**Malon**: Have you seen my tent?

**Link**: What color is it?

**Malon**: Do you think it's lost forever?

**Link**: Who knows?

**Malon**: (shrugs) Want to have hot and wild sex?

**Link**: Why not?

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)

**Audience**: (cheers and laughter!)

**Nabooru**: Alright. Next game is…! (someone throws her a big hat and she catches it, grinning) _Scenes from a Hat_!

**Audience**: YEAH!!!!

**Nabooru**: In this hat are strips of paper. Before the show, we asked the audience to write down different scenes they'd like to see acted out by the performers. And we take the best ones, and we put 'em in this hat. And I'm gonna read them out, see how many the performers can act out.  Let's start off with… (reads a paper) _Horrible Advertisements for Hyrule._

**Link**: (shows off his boots) New! Kokiri Boots! They'll fit up your ass!

**Ganondorf**: Pantyliners! …For Gorons!

**Nabooru**: (laughing) That's disgusting! (BUZZ!) _What Lon Lon cows think when they're being milked._

**Malon**: Ugh. Man… I can't believe they're gonna drink that crap…

**Zelda**: I wonder if they know that's really urine…?

**Link**: (closes his eyes and feigns the sounds of a man being thoroughly pleasured) Oh… Oh yeah… That's it baby… No, slower… 

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) _Things to NOT do after a heavy drinking session_.

**Zelda**: (pretends to warm up) Yep, I'm just gonna climb up ol' Death Mountain here…

**Ganondorf**: Don't worry, Princess! I'm the best chauffer in Hyrule! 

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Worst person to sleep with.

**Zelda**: (bored and unenthusiastically) Oh yeah baby, that's the best sex I ever had. No, really, you were the greatest…

**Malon**: (mimics Navi) HEY! LISTEN!!

**Ganondorf**: I hope you didn't mind me screaming out my own name.

**Link**: No, you were thinking of my brother Pinocchio. _Only his nose_ grows longer…

**Nabooru**: HAHA! (BUZZ!) _Bad notes to find attached to a Bombchu._

**Malon**: (pretends to read said note) "What to do if your Bombchu starts coming towards you…"

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) _Worst thing you can hear when you defeat the "Boss"!_

**Link**: Hm… (puffs up his hat like that of Toad from Super Mario Bros. And makes his voice high pitched) We're sorry but the Princess is in another castle!

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)

Audience and other contestants: (uproarious laughter!!)

**Link**: (big ol' triumphant grin)

**Nabooru**: Whoo… (wipes more tears of laughter) Alright guys, on to the last segment of the show. It's the _Irish Drinking Song_! And who better than to grace us with the music for it than the Sage of the Shadow herself, **Impa**! 

**Impa:** (takes her seat at a piano)

**Nabooru:** The Irish Drinking Song's gonna be about Lon Lon Ranch! Take it away guys!

**Contestants:** (snap their fingers and line up, moving to the music being played by Impa) Ohhhhhhh…! Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!

**Ganondorf:** In the center of Hyrule field,  
**Zelda**: There is a neat ol' ranch.  
**Malon**: The cows there produce Lon Lon Milk,  
**Link**: It really makes you blanch!  
**Ganondorf**: It's run by Malon's father,  
**Zelda**: And that Ingo, what a guy!  
**Malon**: He thinks he does all the work,  
**Link**: Sometimes I wish he'd die!

**Contestants:** (although Malon is giggling some as she sings) Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!

**Link**: I've been there many times,  
**Malon**: And it's really swell!  
**Ganondorf**: And the corral is pretty nice,  
**Zelda**: But the stables sure do smell!  
**Link**: There are horses and ponies there,  
**Malon**: And they're all so very cute.  
**Ganondorf**: But Ingo treats them very bad,  
**Zelda**: I think he is a fruit! (shrugs and giggles)  
  


**Contestants**: (almost all of them are laughing at Zelda's improvisation, along with the audience and Nabooru) Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!

**Ganondorf**: The ranch life can be busy,  
**Zelda**: There's many things to do!  
**Malon**: Like stacking hay and milking cows,  
**Link**: (shrugs) I like to slash Cuckoos!  
**Audience and Nabooru:** (laugh!!!!)  
**Ganondorf**: I want to live there someday,  
**Zelda**: And raise a family.  
**Malon**: But life can get so boring,  
**Link**: (big ol' grin) So I'll throw an orgy!  
  


**Contestants**: (barely audible because of their own snickers and chuckles) Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh Dai…di….dai…di…daiiiiii!

(By now, Nabooru is on the floor, dying of laughter)

* * *

Finis

**[1]** – Kiki is the little Monkey, from A Link to the Past, that follows Link around in the dark world and asks him for rupees in exchange for his help. 100 Rupees just to open a door? Ugh…

**A/N:** Anyway, I know this is not as funny as the real thing, but it was not serious enough to be labeled as a "General" fic. Oh, and I prefer the Irish Drinking Song over the Hoedown anyday; to get the real feel of it, the only thing I can recommend is listening to it on the show. ;)  Please review---er, if you want.


	2. Episode 2

**Whose Line Is It Anyway?**

**Zelda Style!  
**(part two!)

**Obligatory Disclaimer**: Alright, it's pretty obvious that I do not own _Whose Line Is It Anyway?_ Or _Zelda_. No money was made off of this. This is strictly fan fiction.

**Author's Notes**: I decided to give this another shot. I'm not too pleased with it but I hope someone finds it remotely funny? ^_^?

***

**Nabooru**: Welcome to _Whose Line Is it Anyway?_ ! On tonight's show we have here boy, **Link**! Set up the bed, **Zelda**! Roll over, **Malon**! And go fetch, **Saria**! Hey, I'm your host **Nabooru**. Come on down, let's have some fun!

**Audience**: (consisting of a mix of members from all races of Hyrule, cheer and clap as Nabooru makes her way down to her seat near the contestants as the title screen flashes; when it's all over, they quiet down)

**Nabooru**: Hey there, and welcome to yet another episode of Whose Line is It Anyway: the show where improvisation gets you points that are worth nothing. That's right. The points are like King Zora.

**Audience**: (laugh, laugh)

**Nabooru**: Hm. Before we start, I just noticed something… (glances at the contestants) Link, you're the only male contestant today!

**Audience**: (wolf-whistles and "oooh's")

**Link**: Well hot diggity damn!

**Nabooru**: Let's get on with this show before he gets ideas… (reads her cards) The first game we're going to play is _Super Heroes_. It's for all of the contestants. And Link, since you're the only guy up there, we're going to start off with you.  (turns to face the audience) What kind of Super Hero should he be?

**Audience**: (yell out their suggestions) Sexual Innuedo Man!

**Nabooru**: (snickers) Okay, I may regret this, but let's go with that. (scribbles something onto cards) The world's crisis involves too many non-Kokiri people venturing into the Lost Woods. So Link, whenever you're ready, begin.

**Link**: (strolls along, carrying his Master Sword) Whoo, it's been a _long and hard_ day for me. I need to _discharge_ some of my stresses. Maybe I should _delve into the depths_ of the Lost Woods and help out the populace!

**Zelda**: (strolls up to Link) Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

**Link**: It's quite alright, Girl Who Sings Everything.

**Zelda**: (Gloria Estefan) And I will do anything for youuuuu…!

**Link**: Help me climb this _erect_ tree here, will you?

**Zelda**: (holds her hands out for him to climb while she sings like Mariah Carey/Jackson 5/Smokey Robinson) Don't you know baby yeah! YEAH! I'll be theeeeeeeeere!

**Link**: (begins to climb with Zelda's help and pretends to reach for something that is too far) Ooh yeah… Almost there.  Mm… Just a little bit harder, higher…

**Audience**: (cracking up)

**Zelda**: (sings like Gina G.) Ooh ahh! Just a little bit! Ooh ahh! A little bit more!

**Saria**: (traipses on up) Hey guys! I'm here.

**Zelda**: (looks to Saria as she is singing) Domo arigatou Mister Roboto!

**Saria**: (monotone and robotic) IS MY ASSISTANCE REQUIRED FOR THIS TASK?

**Link**: (pouts as he hops down from Zelda's hand) Man, I ALMOST reached the _climax_ but _her hands were too soft of a grip_!

**Saria**: 404 ERROR. ATTEMPT TO REACH _CLIMAX/_ ON THIS SERVER HAS FAILED.

**Link**: Hm. Maybe if we try to get to it _from the back_?

**Audience**: (laugh!!!!)

**Malon**: (walks on to where the others are) Whoo! What a walk! But I'm here, finally!

**Saria**: (looks to Malon) CLICHÉ WOMAN HAS RECONCILED WITH US. PERHAPS SHE CAN BE OF ASSISTANCE.

**Malon**: Better late than never!

**Link**: Cliché woman! _COME_ with us! We need to _go down_ into the depths of the Lost Woods, but we cannot figure a way to _get in smoothly_.

**Zelda**: (headbanging and dancing like Axl Rose from Guns N' Roses) Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty! PLEASE! TAKE ME HOME!  YEAH YEAH!

**Malon**: Well, the grass is always greener!

**Saria**: WINDOWS HAS SEARCHED FOR 'GRASS' BUT HAS FOUND NO FOLDERS. WOULD YOU LIKE A SHORTCUT TO POINT HERE INSTEAD?

**Link**: Maybe we can all _come together_ and make this _one big group thing_…?

**Audience**: (uproarious laughter and cheers!)

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Hahaha! Definitely not the first Super Heroes I'd ever call in case of an emergency. (glances to her cards) Next game is _Let's Make a Date_!

**Audience**: Whoo-hoo!

**Nabooru**: Alright, Link, since you're the only one with a Y-Chromosome… (Link grins sheepishly), you're going to be the contestant on a live dating show and these three lovely gals are going to be bachelorettes and your potential date. We've given them a secret identity and your job is to guess who they are.

**Link**: Oh boy! I hope one of them is a porn star!

**Nabooru**: Keep dreaming. (snicker) Alright, start whenever you're ready. Bachelorettes, say hello to Link!

**Zelda**: (supposed to be "RuPaul") I have one thing to say: YOU BETTER WORK.

**Link**: …Um, that's neat! Bachelorette number two?

**Saria**: (supposed to be "The Rock") Now then… What is your name…?

**Link**: My name? Why, it's Li---

**Saria**:  IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!!!!!!!!!!

**Audience**: (cheers!)

**Link**: Bitchin'. And Bachelorette number three?

**Malon**: (supposed to be "Butthead" from Beavis and Butthead) Ehhh heh heh heh… Cool…  Ehhhhhh heh heh heh heh… Um. Hi.

**Link**: Wow, you sound like a gal I'd really like to do! (reads some imaginary cards) Alright, this question is for Bachelorette number one. If you could tell me one thing during our first date, what would it be?

**Zelda**: (kneels up on her stool so that she can impersonate RuPaul's commandeering height) Wet your lips and make love to the camera! WORK!

**Link**: Oh, so you like filming? That's cool with me! 

**Audience**: (laugh)

**Link**: Bachelorette number two, same question.

**Saria**: Take that bottle of champagne… Turn it sideways… and stick it straight up your CANDY ASS!!!

**Link**: Ooh, kinky. Me like. And Bachelorette number three? 

**Malon**: Ehhhhh heh heh heh… Shut up, Beavis! Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh heh heh heh… I'll kick your ass. Ehhhhhhh heh heh heh!

**Nabooru**: (covers her mouth with a hand to prevent from laughing out loud)

**Link**: Ooooooooookay. Final question! Where would you take me on our first date, anyhow?

**Zelda**: (stands off her stool and looks dead ahead into the laughing audience with that stoic glare runway models are known for) Now look here honey…

**Link**: Um. I can't exactly see you. But if it helps, I'm picturing you naked.

**Zelda**: (begins dancing like RuPaul in the "SuperModel" video) It don't matter what you wear! They're checking out your self-appeal!  Ooh, ooh, ooh yeah! And when you walk into the room! You'll have everybody's eyes on you!!! Supermodel! WORK!

**Link**: So you'll take me to a room? With a lot of people? Ooh boy, an orgy! (giddy!) Bachelorette number two, same question.

**Saria**: (glances sharply to the audience and does her best impersonation of the People's Eyebrow; slowly tilts her head back and lifts an imaginary microphone to her mouth) Finally… Link… HAS COME BACK TO HY-RUUUUUUUUUULE!

**Audience**: (CHEER!)

**Link**: Neat! And you, Bachelorette number three? Come our first date, where would we go?

**Malon**: Ehhhhhhhhh heh heh heh… He said 'come'. Heh heh heh heh heh heh! (insert uncontrollable Butthead laughter here)

**Link**: Okay, Bachelorette number one… You sound like a guy obsessed with modeling…

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) I'll give you that one! She's RuPaul!

**Link**: Bachelorette two. There's no doubt in my mind she's The Rock.

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Yep!

**Link**: And good ol' Bachelorette three is… (assumes a Beavis voice) Hmm hmm yeah! Heh heh hmm hmm! Butthead! Hmm hmm heh heh!

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)

**Audience**: (laughter and cheers!)

**Nabooru**: Sheesh, you guys, you really know how to improvise, huh?

**Zelda**: (still talking like RuPaul) Honey, let me tell you somethin'! It ain't easy!

**Nabooru**: (snicker) If you want the points for that one, go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 rupees. (reads her cards) Alright, next game is one of my personal favorites! _World's Worst! _

**Audience**: (fanfare)

**Nabooru**: Alright, the contestants are going to give examples of the _World's Worst Things to See While Travelling Through Hyrule_. Whew what a title… Ah well, take it away, guys!

**Malon**: (tour guide voice) And over here, we have two Gorons… They're shagging! They're shagging!

**Link**: Aw, the mother Wolfos has left her baby alone. (pretends to carefully approach a baby Wolfos to pet it) Aww----(howls like a wolf and simulates his hand being bitten off by sliding it into the cuff of his shirt) AAAAAAAAH!!!!

**Zelda**: Oh, wow! A Port-O-Potty! (opens an imaginary door) EW! RAURU!!

**Saria**: Hey, check it out, it's Mido.

**Audience**: (laugh while Saria grins sheepishly)

**Link**: Strange… I could have sworn this 'Chernobyl' place wasn't here before…

**Malon**: And just what is that Messenger Man doing to that Re-Dead!?!

**Saria**: (pretends to see a sign) "Turn left for Ganondorf's Sex Shack."…?

**Zelda**: (also pretends to read a sign) "Turn right for Dampe's House of Lovin'."…?

**Audience**: EWWWW!

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!) Ugh, I am never going to look at Hyrule the same way, that's for sure!

**Saria**: (exchanges hi-fives with Zelda)

**Nabooru**: Now it's the last segment of this show. So you know what this means…! **Impa**, come on down! It's time for the _Irish Drinking Song_!

**Audience**: YEAH!!!!

**Impa**: (trots on over to her piano, smiles, and sits down)

**Nabooru**: You guys know what to do. The song's gotta be about Zora's Domain! Take it away!

**Contestants:** (snap their fingers and line up, moving to the music being played by Impa) Ohhhhhhh…! Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!

**Zelda**: The water of Hyrule's so fresh,  
**Saria**: And it's really oh-so-blue!  
**Malon**: It's cleaned out by the Zora,  
**Link**: And devoid of all poo poo!  
**Audience**: (laugh!)  
**Zelda**: I never swam in this water,  
**Saria**: But I have eaten its fish.  
**Malon**: The water is so very clean,  
**Link**: Except for all the piss!

**Contestants**: (while the audience is laughing at them, they try not to laugh too much and continue on with the song) Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!

**Link**: The Zora's are a Kingdom,  
**Malon**: They're also a domain.  
**Saria**: This crap is really confusing,  
**Zelda**: (shrug) And it's also very lame!  
**Link**: (snicker) They're ruled by the King of Zora's,  
**Malon**: And Ruto's the princess!  
**Saria**: I heard she really likes Link,  
**Zelda**: …! I hope she winds up dead!

**Contestants**: (begin to laugh, once again, with the audience at Zelda's first-class and last-minute improvisation) Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!

**Zelda**: The Zora's are a fish people,  
**Saria**: So then they like to swim.  
**Malon**: I've only met one up close,  
**Link**: (shrug) He poked me with his fin!  
**Nabooru**: (begins to howl with laughter)  
**Zelda**: They're graceful and aquatic,  
**Saria**: And kind of pretty!  
**Malon**: They're different from us somehow,  
**Link**: …They have no genitals, HEE HEE!

**Contestants**: (can barely finish the rest of the song, with the exception of the leering Link, so it sounds like something straight out of a bloopers video) Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh Dai…di….dai…di…daiiiiii! HA HA HA HA!

(Nabooru's face hurts too much for her to say 'good-bye' to the viewers)

***

Finis

**A/N:** Bleh, not as funny as the first one and the first one wasn't as funny as the real thing. But you get by with what you have, right? ;) Please leave a review if you so desire.


	3. Episode 3

**Whose Line Is It Anyway?**

**Zelda Style!  
**part three!

**Obligatory Disclaimer: **I own neither Whose Line Is It Anyway? Nor Zelda, so don't even bother with the lawsuits. =P

**Author's Notes: **My third and more than likely final attempt at this… -_- 

***

**Nabooru**: Hey, welcome to _Whose Line Is It Anyway?_ On our show tonight, we've got: "Totally nuts about…" **Link**! "Melts in your mouth, not in your hands," **Zelda**! "Not going anywhere for a while?" **Malon**! And, "Taste the rainbow," **Ganondorf Dragmire**! Hey, I'm your host **Nabooru**. Come on down, let's have some fun!

**Audience**: (consisting of a mix of members from all races of Hyrule, cheer and clap as Nabooru makes her way down to her seat near the contestants; the title screen flashes and when it's all over, they quiet down)

**Nabooru**: (holding her cards) Hello! Hello! Thank you all very much! Welcome to _Whose Line Is It Anyway?_, the show where improvisation is the game and your efforts guarantee you nothing, much like the Gerudo Training Grounds.  …Hey, who wrote that on my cue card?!

**Link**: (looks sheepish)

**Audience**: (laugh, laugh)

**Nabooru**: (scowls at him but remembers she has a show to host) Anyway… Let's get things started, shall we? (audience begins to cheer as she looks to her cards) Okay, first game up is _Film and Theatre Styles_. And it's for… (Link begins to point to himself) …Zelda and Malon!

**Link**: Hey! (looks positively dumbfounded)

**Ganondorf**: Gyaha!

**Nabooru**: Heh heh. (smirk) Make changes to my cue cards, will you? (turns to the audience) I need some suggestions for some styles from you guys!

**Audience**: (shouts out their suggestions) Trashy talk show! Final Fantasy 8! WWF! Kung Fu movie! 

**Nabooru**: (snickers and writes some of the ideas down) Okay, okay.  (Malon and Zelda take their places up on the stage) Alright, since it's come to my attention that both of you like Link, the situation is this: both of you show up for a date with Link, but he's not there!

**Link**: (grins widely points his thumbs towards himself, a la Rob Van Damme) 

**Audience**: (CHEER!)

**Nabooru**: Now then, I'll buzz you in with the style I want you to adapt at any given time. So, take it away ladies…!

**Malon**: (walks up to an imaginary meeting spot) Hm. He said he'd be here…

**Zelda**: (does the same) I wonder where Link is…

**Malon**: What do you mean, 'Link'?

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) Trashy talk show!

**Zelda**: (puts her hand on her hips) I'm talkin' about Link, my man! Not yours! MINE!

**Malon**: (assumes an accent very similar to Forrest Gump's) Oh no he ain't your man, gal! Him and me, we been like peas and carrots ever since he had helped me and Jenn-ay from that tornado!

**Zelda**: Yeah, okay, whatever. He's my baby's daddy and ain't no hoochie momma like you gettin' in our way… (pauses and looks to the 'imaginary' audience that's 'booing' her) Yeah, whatever, whatever..! Anyway! (shakes her head like a chicken towards them and shows them 'the hand') You don't know me! You don't know me! Shut up! Talk to the hand!

**Malon**: (like Bubba from Forrest Gump) I like shrimp. Uh, jumbo shrimp… Shrimp cocktail… Shrimp gumbo… 

**Zelda**: I got yo' shrimp right here, skank! (puts up her dukes)

**Audience and other Contestants**: (even get into the fray and begin to chant) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

**Malon**: (attempts to walk up to Zelda to attack her, playfully of course, but throws a tantrum as she is held back by Steve---er, Ganondorf, the security guy) *BLEEP!* *BLEEP!*

**Audience**: Steve! Steve! Steve!

**Nabooru**: HA HA! (BUZZ!) Final Fantasy 8!

**Zelda**: Now I will use my ridiculous and time-consuming Junction system to fight you! (whips back her hair like Rinoa) 

**Malon**: Just go ahead and try! You're only going to spend a good 75% of the battle trying to Draw spells from me anyway!

**Zelda**: (a la Ultimecia) KURSE YOU!

**Nabooru**: (snickers and BUZZ!) WWF!

**Malon**: (a la Stone Cold) If anyone thinks I should fight this girl, gimmie a HELL YEAH!

**Audience**: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

**Zelda**: (a la Kurt Angle) I am your Hylian Hero! I will MAKE you tap out! It's true, it's true!

**Malon**: (hooks her hand in front of her nose to make it seem twice as big as it already is…like Triple H) I ammmmmm… The Gammmmmmmmmmme…

**Nabooru**: Hee hee! (BUZZ!) Kung Fu movie!

**Zelda**: (performs a really flamboyant martial arts kata) I've come to avenge my Uncle…Tom! (as she speaks, her lips are OBVIOUSLY out of synch)

**Malon**: (also does her own kata) Ha ha. Your Northern Flying Squirrel Style is no match for my Aardvark Fist! (horrendous lip synching here, too)

**Zelda**: What!? (continues moving her lips even if she is not speaking) How dare you disrespect me! (reaches towards Malon's chest and pretends to rip her heart out; for added effect she pretends to hold the beating heart in her hand by opening and closing her fist)

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)

**Audience and Other Contestants**: (uproarious laughter!)

**Nabooru**: Whoo, now _that_ is what I call a cat fight!

**Link**: Remind me to never make a mistake like that…

**Nabooru**: (reads her cards) Hee hee… Next game up is for all four contestants: _Party Quirks!_

**Audience**: YEAH!

**Nabooru**: For all of you not familiar with this one, one of the contestants is gonna be the host of a party while the rest of them are assuming identities written out on their cards. The host has to try and guess the guest's identity. And the host for this one is…

**Link**: (looks hopeful)

**Nabooru**: Ganondorf!

**Link**: (sad clown)

**Nabooru**: Heh heh heh. (as the contestants take their place behind an imaginary door) I'll 'ring' the guests in with my trusty buzzer! Start whenever you're ready Ganondorf.

**Ganondorf**: (pretends to fix the refreshments and stuff) Okay, I got the chips, dip, beer, and the baby oil! (claps his hands once) Let's do this!

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!)

**Ganondorf**: Ah, there's someone at the door! (goes to the door and 'opens' it – there stands Malon) Hey there, fish sticks! Come inside! (ushers her in)

**Malon**: (supposed to be "Hippie-fied Navi") … (pretends to take a drag from a blunt) Like… HEY!… there, Ganondorf…

**Ganondorf**: Whoa! You brought the pot and you even forgot your shoes! (audience notes that Malon has taken off her shoes to get more into the 'character') 

**Malon**: LISTEN! … Like… Whoa… Love and peace, man. Love and peace.

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!)

**Ganondorf**: Sure thing! But I gotta answer the door first! (goes to the door – there stands Zelda) Whoa, c'mon in! The party's just started!

**Zelda**: (supposed to be "Solid Snake") …! Cover me, Raiden! (dive-rolls into the party area and then crawls stealthily along the floor)

**Ganondorf**: Yeah! That's it! We're here to have fun! Just do your own thing!

**Zelda**: (leans her back against the wall and pretends to hold a gun…then suddenly leaps out and holds her 'gun' towards Malon) FREEZE!

**Malon**: (puts her hands up) WATCH OUT! … And war is bad. (dances like Axl Rose)

**Audience**: (laughter!)

**Zelda**: (pretends to tap her ear for her 'CODEC') Do you read me Otacon!? …Otacon!

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!)

**Ganondorf**: You two have fun, I'm gonna get the door… (goes to the door and, naturally, there's Link) Hey man! You're here! Great!

**Link**: (supposed to be a "Person who can't get his item in a vending machine") Hm! (presses his finger against Ganondorf's chest)

**Ganondorf**: Hey man… (quietly) Not yet…!  That part comes later!

**Link**: (oblivious to Ganondorf's speech) Damn it…! (pounds his fist against Ganondorf, lightly) It won't come out!

**Ganondorf**: That's because you're hitting the wrong area…

**Audience**: (LAUGH!)

**Malon**: LISTEN!!! …Save the whales.

**Ganondorf**: (points to Malon) Screw you, you hippie Navi!

**Nabooru**: YEAH! (BUZZ!) That's it!

**Malon**: (smiles and puts her shoes back on before heading back to the contestants' seats; applause)

**Link**: …! Oh, come on! (grips Ganondorf by the shoulder and shakes him vehemently, while looking down at the man's feet---perhaps waiting for something, like a can of soda, to fall?) Argh! Stupid machines…! 

**Zelda**: (looks towards Link and feigns shock, horror, and anger) OCELOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ganondorf**: Chill out, you…um… Metal Gear character.

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ!) I'll let that one slide. She's supposed to be Solid Snake.

**Ganondorf**: (cheeky grin) Of course. 

**Link**: Oh, for the love of…! (gets on his knees and peers upwards in between Ganondorf's legs)

**Ganondorf**: Quit it! I am not a vending machine!

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)

**Audience**: (cheer!)

**Nabooru**: Guess what time is it, folks!

**Ganondorf**: (looks at his watch) You're right! I'm going to miss Mr. Darunia's Neighborhood!

**Nabooru**: Not that, you numbskull! (someone throws her a large hat) It's time for _Scenes from a Hat_!

**Ganondorf**: (pout) …Oh.

**Some Audience members**: (snicker)

**Nabooru**: Anyway, before the show, we've asked members of our audience to write out which scenes they'd like to see our contestants perform. Then our production crew picked out the best ones and put 'em in this here hat. The worst ones… Uh. They're being reused as toilet paper. Anyhow..! (takes out a scrap of paper from within the hat) _Messages that were given too late_.

**Link**: (looks worried sick) Wait! Ruto! I just remembered! Zora's Domain just froze up! Don't dive! It's---uh oh…

**Zelda**: Dampe, I think you should get that pneumonia checked out by a doctor…

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ_!) Unfortunate Wedding Night Confessions_.

**Ganondorf**: Now look here, Veronica---er, I mean, Betty!

**Malon**: (laughs nonchalantly as if she's telling an anecdote) So I hid the body in the trunk and everyone at the church was all, "Whoo! What's that smell?"

**Link**: To be honest, I only married you for the one million rupees divorce settlement…

**Nabooru**: Ugh! (BUZZ!) _Wrong reactions towards someone saying "I Love You."_

**Malon**: …! (points to the imaginary person) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Zelda**: Aww. How cute! What did you say your name was again?

**Link**: (disbelievingly, he rolls his eyes) Right! And my name is Tony Danza!

**Ganondorf**: (sighs exasperatedly like a doctor) So take a pill and call me in the morning! Geez…!

**Nabooru**: (snickers) Horrible! Just horrible! (BUZZ!) _Bad Things to Do During an Earthquake._

**Ganondorf**: Nonsense! Mountain climbing is very safe! Just watch!

**Zelda**: I'm going to take this extremely valuable and delicate china set to Impa…

**Malon**: Don't worry! A vasectomy doesn't hurt…!

**Nabooru**: (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!)

**Audience**: (erupts into laughter!)

**Ganondorf**: (cringe) Ugh… Malon… Horrible imagery…

**Link**: (also winces) Tell me about it… 

**Nabooru**: (smirk) Wimps! (tosses the Hat aside) **Impa**, come on down! It's time for the _Irish Drinking Song!_

**Impa**: (smiles and waves as she makes her way to her piano and sits down)

**Nabooru**: Alright, the song's gotta be about Goron City! Take it away, guys!

**Contestants:** (snap their fingers and line up, moving to the music being played by Impa) Ohhhhhhh…! Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!

**Ganondorf**:  It's north from Kakariko,  
**Zelda**: And that is pretty far.  
**Malon**: You can walk the whole damn trip,  
**Link**: Or take a friggin' car.  
**Ganondorf**: It's up in the mountains,  
**Zelda**: It can get rather dark.  
**Malon**: I don't like going there,  
**Link**: Because Darunia farts!

**Contestants:** (although there is some chuckling amongst them and the audience) Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh… Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!

**Link**: I've been there once or twice,  
**Malon**: That was long ago.  
**Ganondorf**: …Uh, I tried going there again,  
**Zelda**: (swats Ganondorf for his improvisation) But I didn't go!  
**Link**: (snickers) I've made Darunia dance,  
**Malon**: Rather crazily, I'd say! (shrugs)  
**Ganondorf**: He looked like a dancing twit,  
**Zelda**: (shrugs) I thought he looked damned gay.

**Contestants**: (almost all of them are laughing at Zelda's improvisation, along with the audience and Nabooru) Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai!

**Ganondorf**: The Gorons, they live there,  
**Zelda**: They like to eat rocks!  
**Malon**: They roll around and sleep everywhere,  
**Link**: (pinches his nose) They smell like sweaty socks!  
**Ganondorf**: Exotic place that is,  
**Zelda**: But they sure do like Link!  
**Malon**: I've never seen a female there,  
**Link**: (looks horrified at this new realization) …it kinda makes you think…

**Contestants**: (minus Link who is still disturbed about the whole no-female Goron thing) Ohhh Dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai! Ohhh Dai…di….dai…di…daiiiiii!

**Nabooru**: (through snickers and the audience's laughter) Poor Link!

***

Finis

**A/N:** Bleh. I wanted to make a Hoedown for it but I couldn't think of one up. And yes, this one sucks. My excuse? Uh… None really, 'cept it's nearing 2 in the morning. Review if'n ya want. ;)


End file.
